conflict: part three, “with a bit of space”
something I found and it’s beautiful
love between us is
speech and breath. loving you is
a long river running.
Sonia Sanchez, “Haiku [for you]”
where I see this in the bible: 1 corinthians 13:6
Love isn’t happy with injustice, but joyfully celebrates honesty. It finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter. It never stops believing the best for others. It never takes failure as defeat. It doesn’t give up. It bears all things—regardless of what comes. It hopes all things—ever steadfast during difficult times. It endures all things—without weakening. Love never fails. It never fades. It never ends.
Paul, Letter to the Corinthians
how it relates to the conversation
For us, there’s only, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” and, “You’re forgiven.”
Both of us learned the hard way that the only way to keep any relationship is to forgive in advance. Long before a perceived wrong rears its fanged, venomous, scaly head to strike and bite, there should be a sharpened glinting sword of forgiveness at the ready to behead it. Resentments, accusations, and all perceived offenses—off with their heads!
During our first phone conversation, we shared how hurt we’d been before and how we didn’t have any more room for that kind of relationship. It’s so exhausting to assume, to wonder, and to project what you don’t know because you haven’t asked. Neither of us had any more time to waste on that. We weren’t going to wait three days before we called. We weren’t going to wait until the other said I love you first. No—none of that.
We decided instead to ask when we didn’t know, and say rather than not say. That night, with miles between us, over the phone we dreamed up the best case scenario if this thing went all wrong, and as it turned out there was no there there: What if, no matter what, we could walk away from this—if needed—without losing any part of ourselves? What if we went into this deciding that even if this person is not the one, they are someone—and that alone deserves a healthy offering of honesty, grace and mercy?
the conflict- part 3, ”with a bit of space”
BCWWF:
Well, I can’t speak for you but I didn’t feel like you were sad because you were losing the show. Maybe in the moment you were like, “Wait, wait, wait. That can’t be. I love this show.” I think we’ve all been there with certain things we love.
SIMON:
No, I agree. Love for the show wasn’t the primary objection. It was literally, “There has to be a reason.”
It wasn’t like something bad happened on my favorite show therefore I have to find a way to defend it. No, I really felt like in that moment that we couldn’t make that assumption without giving it some thought, and without looking at it a little deeper. However, it was all right there in front me. But, in that moment I just didn’t see it.
BCWWF:
What was all right in front of you?
SIMON:
The evidence—everything that you were trying to say was there. It shouldn’t have been on that TV. He shouldn’t have been on there. It wasn’t necessary— especially in this political climate.
This morning, I sent you that article about the teacher who had swastikas painted on her office walls. The article said that since 2016, anti-Semitism has gone up to—what? What was it…like 60%?
BCWWF:
60% (nodding)…60% of hate crimes
SIMON:
When in 2014 it was something like 14% or 15% of hate crimes were anti-Semitic.
BCWWF:
And, it was also upsetting in the light of the shooting at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh.
SIMON:
Yeah, yeah. So, even in the best case scenario that he was just some kooky, ill-informed, not particularly mature dude collecting a bunch of horrible memorabilia who also happened to be an American veteran—it still shouldn’t have been on the show. The timing alone should have given them some pause.
BCWWF:
Which is why I was mad all the way up from the hosts to the head of programming for the History Channel. I was so mad. You can’t tell me that they couldn’t have decided not to air that show out of respect for what has happened in Pittsburgh. They simply could’ve said, “We don’t want people to misinterpret.”
SIMON:
In fact it would have been something if they’d said, “Here’s this Nazi memorabilia. Wasn’t it awful what happened? Isn’t what it stands for awful?”
BCWWF:
But they never said anything like that.
SIMON:
They just ignored it.
BCWWF:
They absolutely ignored it. They did not work hard enough. I don’t know those guys. But, if I were in their position, I would work really hard so that people knew exactly where I stood. If they aren’t working hard at letting people know where they stand, it makes me feel like, “Well, then I know where you stand.” It allows me—or any viewer—to draw their own conclusion and some viewers will take their non-stance as a pass or even worse as approval.
So, back to us: we’re a pretty cuddly, close couple—we work from home and we’re together most of the time. But that night, I think it was the first time that I felt, “He’s not with me. He can’t feel what I feel in this.” It was just really heartbreaking.
When we woke up the next day—well, I woke up like around 4:30am because I couldn’t sleep very well—I spent some time just praying. I sat in the living room and prayed and watched the sunrise and just wept and lamented—which has been like another part-time job since they swore in this president. I was lamenting and praying through my heart, “Lord, I feel this, and I don’t know what to do with that, and I don’t know how to move forward, and I don’t know what to say.”
This was now in our life—in our regular, everyday, pretty boring, not-a-whole-lot-of-going-on life. There was racial attack in my real house, in my home, on my TV aimed directly at me. That’s how it felt. I don’t know how to explain that. But, it felt personal because for all these years, I’d been watching this show—supporting this show blindly. And, I know better. I know that when people of color are not in the room and are not part of the decision-making that I need to be cautious of supporting that thing—whether it’s an organization, school, movie… and, I wasn’t. Even though, I questioned the lack of presence in every episode. I still gave it a pass.
So, it was just a morning of feeling so sad and knowing that I was going to have to get up, get dressed and go to work, only to be one of two black people in a big meeting. And, I just didn’t want to face it.
And, I thought, “So, he gets to move on.” I shared all that with you, which was upsetting. You had to take a walk while I was still getting ready because it was too hard to share space at the time.
It was awful getting ready for work feeling misunderstood by you, my husband, and knowing that I was going to a place where I might feel further misunderstood.
When you drove me to work, there was so much tension that I finally asked, “Well, why the hell are you so upset?” Were you seriously mad? Or, were you actually offended? It made me feel like you were feeling like you felt that I was casting you as the bad, ignorant, white guy. But, my thoughts were so much deeper than that because that’s so petty. I was mad but deep down inside I still knew who you were.
SIMON:
Well, that’s kinda why space and silence is good. I had to think about why I was so upset. It was mostly that fear that I always have that I’m going to say or do the wrong thing and disappoint you. So, I was trying not to say too much because when you’re in that space, sometimes it’s not good to talk or speak. Your mind isn’t where it needs to be and you can’t trust it because don’t want to say things that are going to be potentially more hurtful. In this case—that was the last thing that I wanted. But unfortunately, sometimes it comes across as, “I’m punishing you. I’m trying to make you feel bad.” But, the silence was really saying, “I can’t say anything right now.”
BCWWF:
And, it’s important to say that out loud. “I can’t talk right now. I don’t know what to say.”
SIMON:
Yes, it is. It allowed space. Cause with that bit of space, everything became a bit clearer and my role in it was clearer. I started to see things more for what they were.
BCWWF:
Yeah and you sent a lovely email.
But there are a couple of things I should say: You and I are wordy people. You minored in writing in college and I minored in writing in college. I was an English Lit major. We express ourselves very well by writing. So when I say we’re wordy people, I mean we are wordy people. We fell in love through letters. We wrote each other letters and emails and a lot of texts. But most people are not writers and should not email or text their apologies. If at all possible, apologize in person.
For us, our words have archived our relationship. You kept the phone with all our texts from when we were dating.
SIMON:
Yeah, I should charge that up.
(BOTH laugh)
BCWWF:
Then, I was able to email you back some of my thoughts and feelings. Because I never felt you disappointed me. I was hurt by the realization that there are emotional places that you won’t be able to go with me. Like can you ever feel like I feel when we see a Nazi flag? Is it always going to be less threatening to you? Or, can you ever feel exactly what I feel about a confederate flag?
SIMON:
Yeah, but let’s be clear about that. I’m white but they are still revolting to me. Even though they are not directed at me, they are directed at me because you’re my wife and Nadia’s my kid.
And of all my privileges, to be married to a woman who is black and willing to share that experience me—that’s the most precious to me.
BCWWF:
And, it’s a privilege for me too because I get to see what white privilege looks through the lens of love, and what it looks like when you’re doing your best. Because I’ve watched you have a lot of loss with all the new, “woke” knowledge.
SIMON:
Well, anything that had to go wasn’t really a loss.
BCWWF:
The truth is in our marriage some experiences are just mine to carry as a black woman. I mean, we carry the experience together but it’s a little heavier for me.
But, as a white man there’s plenty for you to carry that isn’t my job at all to carry. Like believing me when I call something out is all yours to carry. That’s all yours. If you need more information, that’s fine. But, please don’t withhold believing me until you have more information. You haven’t done that. But, a lot of white people do. They have to research other opinions of black women’s stories before they can believe them.
You’ve taken the road less take: Believing black women.
I love you.
SIMON:
I love you.
BCWWF:
Thank you.
SIMON:
You’re welcome. Please don’t make me sound like a Nazi sympathizer.
(BOTH laugh)
BCWWF:
As long as you don’t make me sound like an overly sensitive, angry black woman.
(BOTH laugh)
SIMON:
Deal.
after thoughts and etc…
My love, I hope readers notice how well you listen. You’re so generous. Few white men would swing the door so wide open for me to speak my peace without interruption, without correction or defense. You amaze me.
The show we’re referencing: American Pickers, Season 19, Episode 15, Bubba Gump Picks
The article Simon sent to me: The Washington Post, November 29th
blessing
Let us not lose heart, except to make more room in our hearts. Peace and blessings.
St. Francis
