simon & nadia: part one
something I found and it’s beautiful
Do you remember how this life of yours longed in childhood to belong to the grown-ups? I can see that it now longs to move on from them and is drawn to those who are greater yet. That is why it does not cease to be difficult, but also why it will not cease to grow.
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letter to a Young Poet
where I see this in the bible: 1 samuel 17:28-29
Eliab, David’s older brother, heard David fraternizing with the men and lost his temper: “What are you doing here! Why aren’t you minding your own business, tending that scrawny flock of sheep? I know what you are up to. You’ve come down here to see the sights, hoping for a ringside seat at a bloody battle!”
”What is it with you?” replied David. “All I did was ask a question.”
how it relates to the conversation
There’s a myth that teenagers aren’t interested in anything outside of themselves. The truth is that teenagers are interested in everything because they truly feel that everything is about them personally. Unlike most adults I know, most of the teens I know believe that every fracture, wound, slight, and insult that anyone has ever been handed in the world was personally handed to them as well. This is why they are my favorite kind of people. Yes, they are cracked and emotional and petulant and all the rest (weren’t we all?) But I am here to tell you that when there is a giant to be slain, a teenager—just like David once was—will quickly say, “Let’s go do this! Who has a rock and who has sling?”
My teen is no different. Most of the time, she informs me before I inform her. Usually she demands answers – which better not be just some quippy one-liner about the injustice of the world. Nope. She expects me to take out my rock and my sling and aim right between the eyes.
My husband and I openly discuss literally everything with her because teens can hear through walls anyway. Our girl hears everything we say, and she takes notes so she can quickly call us out on anything plain ridiculous, or cowardly, or prejudiced, or exclusive. She is our personal political and social commentator. She is passionately compassionate, courageous and deeply sensitive to all who are wounded. She used to literally hug trees when she was little and whisper to them, “keep growing…” In elementary school she brought extra snacks in her lunch because, “Mama, they were all so hungry.” She’s not much different today. She still hugs trees – metaphorically – and bakes things to take to her classmates at school, just because.
She and Simon and so similar—stargazing, animal-rescuing, homeless-feeding, artsy, feely kinda folks. While they gaze at the sky or a deer or a bird in utter fascination, I’m gazing the same way—but at them. Living with them is like living with Jesus who was always feeding people and healing people and hugging every child. I, however, am much more like the disciples who just didn’t get it and wanted to send everybody home. I bet you know who’s the most blessed in our home.
(It’s me… hands down, no contest.)
simon, nadia and me: the conversation- part 1
BCWWF:
Okay, so in our family we’ve had a lot of conversations around race. But I don’t feel that I was intentional in that, or that we were intentional about that. I feel that it’s just who we are. I feel that each of us have curiosity about other people and so I think we like talking about those things that make us curious about others. How do y’all feel about that? Would y’all agree with that?
SIMON & NADIA:
Yes. Yep.
BCWWF:
Nadia, being our kid, where have you seen this?
NADIA:
I mean as far as having discussions at all, I don’t hear of a lot of my friends saying like, ‘oh yea, I just talk to my family about stuff.’ That doesn’t really happen. So as far as race, I know that it probably definitely doesn’t happen.
BCWWF:
And, what about you Simon? How do you see this playing out in our family?
I mean like how have you seen us lean into things. Because I don’t think you and I have ever had sit down where we said, “you know what, the way we’re gonna make this family work is that we’re going to have these kinds of discussions.” It just kind of just happened and I think it happened because we’re all so curious about the world.
SIMON:
Yeah, we’re a family but also… I’ve learned a lot of about conversation from you and you too Nadia. You’re both very loquacious. You’re both very talkative. You know what I mean?
BCWWF:
I’m gonna take that as a compliment (laughs)
SIMON:
Yeah! It’s a compliment. It definitely is. You speak your mind. You speak long and hard about whatever’s going on. But, you primarily have promoted that in this family. Wouldn’t you say that was true? Even when it’s been uncomfortable, you’re not willing to shy away from things that need to be talked about.
BCWWF:
I like the uncomfortable things.
NADIA:
Yeah, you do.
(all laugh)
SIMON:
Sometimes, I do too.
BCWWF:
Nadia I want to ask you this question: What was the racial background of your childhood from your perspective? What was the racial mix of your school, your church, your town? And, what did you feel we have said or haven’t said about race?
NADIA:
Well, as far as the first question, I don’t think I knew what race was as a kid. I don’t think I ever walked into a classroom especially when I was really little and thought, “I’m black. She’s Hispanic. They’re all white.” That really wasn’t a thing. It was more like, “Hey, there’s my friend. These are my classmates. There’s my teacher.” It wasn’t the first thing I looked at whereas now, I see it much more easily.
BCWWF:
So, how do you feel we’ve done in our raising you? What do you feel we’ve said or haven’t said that has spoken to you about race?
NADIA:
I think you have said that race is definitely still a problem in our country—like racism not race, and that we’re still divided. But, I also think you’ve pointed out things that I have not necessarily seen before—like the fact that I was the only black kid in my class. That wasn’t something that I often thought about—at least not for a while. And, I feel like in a way—well, sometimes, I get mad that you’ve made me realize those things because I just kinda want to live my life in complete ignorance and be fine with that.
SIMON:
Well, life was easier for everyone before they were woke.
(all laugh)
NADIA:
I just didn’t want to think about it. It would be nice for just once to walk into a room filled with white people and feel completely fine with myself. But, now it’s like I should walk a certain way. I should talk a certain way. I shouldn’t use as much slang as ….
BCWWF:
Ohhhh… my heart just died. I was telling a friend this today. It was never my intention for you to walk into a room and feel like you had to represent the whole of our culture. But I’m afraid that I did that to you. I’m afraid that I said things like, “Your ancestors didn’t have these opportunities.” Heavy things. Then in the next sentence I would say, “but your grades don’t matter.” But when things weren’t going well or I felt that you weren’t living up to your potential, I’d say things like “You had a great grandpa who didn’t even know how to sign his name. Your grandmother fought so hard. Her sisters used to have to pick cotton for lunch money.” I would put all of this on you and I never meant to do that. And, I apologize because that was never my intention. My intention was for you to be aware of your privilege to be in such spaces because you deserve to be in those spaces and to know that you walk into them already with a host of history supporting you and rooting for you.
NADIA:
Yeah. I feel like you did make me more aware. But, your apology is accepted.
(all laugh)
NADIA:
But, I also feel like as an African American girl it’s been harder—I don’t like to compare that—but, I feel like it’s been harder for me. I don’t know what it’s like to be an African American guy—pretty sure it’s terrible. But, I think that as a girl there is definitely more pressure to act a certain way and talk a certain way so that I’m not the angry black girl, or another African American teen who’s gonna end of getting pregnant or any of those other stereotypes. Or, a dumb African American girl because I do know that that’s a stereotype.
BCWWF:
Wow. I don’t know if you and I have ever talked about that. But that’s deep, girl, that’s real deep.
BCWWF:
My question for you Simon is along the same vein. You were raised in England. But for Americans race is so prevalent even if it’s not being talked about, it’s prevalent—especially in American History classes. I know that you guys didn’t really study American History as part of your schooling in England. But what was race like growing up in England from what you can remember?
SIMON:
Well, the truth of the matter is that I was only there until I was 15 and I’m sure there were a lot of things that happened that were over my head. My initial explanation for what it was is that I didn’t really notice color until I came here. I came here and suddenly a light went off, “Oh, they’re different. Everything around us is telling me that they’re different. I’m this type of person and they’re something else.” I’d never experienced that before because in England I had a diverse group of friends. It wasn’t supremely diverse. But, it was definitely diverse. Latino, Indian, Pakistani. Lots of different skin tones. The black people that I knew obviously weren’t African American. They were mostly Jamaican. It never occurred to me that they were different. That led me to believe that race wasn’t an issue in England growing up and I probably used to say that. I was like, “Gosh you Americans! We didn’t have this in England.” But, that was only because I didn’t see it. Now, I don’t think that was true. I think I was just insulated. It wasn’t a conversation that was brought up at home for whatever reason.
But, you know when we would see it? In children’s TV shows in England, there was one particular show called Grange Hill. It was a show about a fictional school—a drama, like an Afterschool special. I remember there was one character who wore a turban and he was mocked and brutally teased and ridiculed for it. So, I knew it happened and it was horrific to me. But, it wasn’t what I ever saw it or grew up with. That never happened in my school.
BCWWF:
Well, would you be willing to say that you never saw it in your school?
SIMON:
Exactly! Exactly! Would my Pakistani friends say that they had a different experience? Yeah. But, I didn’t see it. My friends weren’t doing it. But that doesn’t mean that other kids weren’t or even teachers for that matter.
BCWWF:
It’s funny because I think about that. I often wonder if the kids from my school are hearing the conversations that are happening in the news and on social media—wherever they are now in the world—and, I wonder if some of them are posting on Facebook or Instagram, “I grew up with a black girl in my class and there was never a problem.” But, here I am writing about all the problems that I never spoke about. So, it makes me wonder how many of my classmates would be surprised at how much racism there truly was. The micro-aggressions especially that were very daily and real for me.
SIMON:
We saw that interview with Lenny Henry who is black and his wife, Dawn French who is white, and they talked about all the hate they received for being a mixed couple!
BCWWF:
In England!
SIMON:
It shocked the heck out of me! I thought, “No! That doesn’t happen over there. That’s an American thing!” But it does. It does. Obviously, it’s there.
