what to do in a pandemic: a guide for parents

Dear Parents of Tiny Beings,

Every morning I wake up during this whole fiasco of a situation that’s shaking up our country, and I thank God that my girl is no longer an adorable child, but a young adult tasked to figure much of this out on her own. I am exhausted emotionally and thus physically with just figuring out who has water or toilet paper to sell. I’m also extremely weepy these days. My entire family is. We’ve each taken a turn collapsing back into the arms of one another because we feel as if we might die if we have to be in this small apartment a moment longer. We then take turns admitting that we feel like scabs because we know we have no business complaining when we live in this beautiful apartment with our books and albums and movies and pretty coffee and tea mugs and darling little doggies. Who are we to complain at all? We have water and toilet paper and even paper towel. No one is sick. Everyone is well—and yet everything around us isn’t. 

So, parents of youngsters and whippersnappers, I am so concerned for you. How are you holding up? Are you at the end of your rope? Have you secretly plotted dastardly things to do to your children while they sleep? Oh dear, I hope not. But if you are thinking dark thoughts, I want you to know I get it. I really do. 

Though I’ve never been quarantined with a toddler, middle schooler, or anything in-between, I have been a broker-than-broke divorced, single mom. Before the bliss of finding my beloved husband, it was just me and my daughter from ages three until seven. Just me on lockdown every day tasked to care of my literal ray of light. My goal was to try not to dim that light, try not to bend that ray, try not to snuff it out completely—and all the while, keep my sanity. 

How to do what seemed impossible? Here’s the secret I found that I think might help many of you parents out there today: Blow Their Tiny Little Minds. Do obnoxious things almost daily. I can’t guarantee that doing outlandish and ridiculous things with your children—or at least allowing them to—will make you a great parent. What I can guarantee is that doing so will make their childhoods memorable and give you a sense of delight in an otherwise hard, often thankless, dead-end job. 

I will tell you that the following list of suggestions might make you immediately recoil. They will sound too much, too messy, too loud, too uncontrollable. I know, I know, but that’s the point. And I ask you this: when your kids look back on this time in history, don’t you want them to be able to point to one epic thing that happened that belonged only to your family? 

So what are you waiting for? Why should you be mundane in such an extraordinary time as this? Everyone is home. They all have to be. What will you do with this time? More homework? More chores? Another puzzle? Another board game? What if you did something epic that will go down in history—or infamy—in your family stories? 

Honestly, we don’t have anything else to do. 


A LIST OF 50 SUPERBLY, OUTLANDISH THINGS TO DO

Pitch a Tent:
Sounds simple, right? But pitch a tent in the living room. Not a kids play tent but an actual camping tent. Clear out the dining room and pitch it in there. I suppose you could pitch it outside, but the kitchen is inside the house and so is the bathroom. Pitch a tent in the middle of the day. Have it be your new “dining” hall. Have it be where you take all your meals. Pitch a tent. Don’t tell your kids you’re going to do it. Just start doing it. Watch their eyes pop out of their heads. 

Go Birding:
Okay so you don’t wanna pitch a tent (I disagree with you, I still think you should do it). How about go birding? Right now taking little ones outside and reminding them to keep six feet from strangers is an utter drag. But you can go birding without out actually going birding. 

Try this: 
Make a list of birds that are native to your state or region of the country.
Find pictures online and cut them out.
Hide the pictures in various places in your home.
Have your kids go “birding” and find all the birds.

This one might sound a little hokey, but did you know that words and names related to nature are disappearing from our kids vocabulary? Words like “kingfisher”, “otter”, “willow”, “bluebell”, “heather” are vanishing from childhood narratives. When was the last time your kid told a story that used the language of nature? When was the last time a kid told you about running through a field of dandelions or sweet grass? When did your kid last catch a tadpole? 

Don’t believe me? Check out the work of Robert Macfarlane. His book called The Lost Words is simply beautiful. So set up a birding exhibition in your home. Help your kids not to lose the names of these native creatures. 

Make Mudpies: 
Do you have a bathtub or a sink and some potting soil? Make a batch of mud. Let your kids make mudpies using tiny toys and string and craft material to decorate them. Have a contest for the most creative or most lopsided mudpie. Let them dig into the earth and get filthy. Get filthy with them. Record them making them for a family archive of squeals and giggles. 

Make Sugar Water:
Do you have hummingbirds in your area? Make sugar water for them. Keep track of how many hummingbirds visit you. 

Picnic:
Fill a picnic basket or cooler or whatever you use when your family goes on a picnic. Don’t tell your kids what you’re doing. My advice is to do it for breakfast but not with breakfast food—serve what you’d normally serve at an actual picnic. Have cold roast chicken for breakfast. Or set up the picnic in their bedroom, or on the forbidden carpet or rug in the living room. Break the rules. Let them remind you that you’re breaking the rules. Hand them a soda first thing in the morning. Will you regret it later? Probably. Will you regret it forever? Nope. Will they remember this day? Absolutely. 

Build a Birdhouse Using Old Stuff:
Make birdhouses out of old children’s books, old record album covers, cereal boxes. Don’t follow a plan. Do you think the birds care what it looks like? Let our kiddos become modern architects.   

Cook Over a “Campfire”:
I used to do this all the time with my girl when she was little. We did s’mores over the stove. I wasn’t a camping kind of mom but I did like a good s’more. If you’re the parent with the perfectly tidy kitchen who rarely allows sweets, this one’s for you. Do something “untidy” and indulgent. You’ll impress the heck out of your kiddos. Take it one step further and cook hotdogs over the stovetop. Add chips or potato salad and that’s dinner done. 

Find the Stars:
Call up a family member—a favorite grandparent or auntie or cousin. Find stars together over the phone. Each of you can look for Orion or The Little Dipper from your corner of the earth. Meet each other in the cosmos, so to speak. If you can, record your kid stargazing and send it to the loved one. 

Build an Epic Fort:
Okay, I love forts. I really do. It’s not surprising that, as an introvert, I would enjoy nothing more than creating something that I can crawl into and escape the outside world. Not all kids love forts—but all kids love building forts. So build an epic one with them. Like, I mean, use all the comforters, blankets and sheets. Cover the whole main floor of your home or your whole apartment. Set up designated “rooms” like a reading nook or library, a yoga studio, a crafting room. Start early in the morning and finish in time to have lunch in your quilt-roofed “cafeteria.” I’m talking EPIC like Guinness World Records epic! 

Play Catch:
Put away your keepsakes and breakables, play catch in the house with a soft object. Or if you have a long hallway, play catch in it. 

Make Sun Tea:
Sometimes we need to remind our kids that although we’re quarantined and distancing ourselves, things can still work together without touching—like the sun can still make tea and keep her distance.

Make Pickles: 
Make pickles because, I don’t know, I think it’d be funny for your kids to go back to school and say they made pickles. Pickles are funny. Create a family recipe. Pickle something unusual like peaches or jicama. Find a recipe and reinvent it. 

Have a Water Fight:
Inside the house!!!!! Yes, it’s gonna be messy. But it’s water. Cover everything with plastic. Have it last for only 5 Minutes. Make up some rules if you must, like they can only use tiny dixie cups of water. But don’t make too many. Cover all your appliances—all of them—or tuck them away in closets (don’t forget to protect the TV). Designate a zone. Might I suggest the kitchen (put all the appliances away) or the dining room (if you’ve got one). Use those tiny plastic water guns (not the gushers). 

I have to admit, in my tiny apartment, I wouldn’t do this. But if I had space—I’d go for it! 

Car Camp:
Yep, sleep in the car. Seriously. Camp out in the car. And before you email me that people actually live in their cars because they have nowhere else to go, I know they do. I absolutely am not suggesting that we make fun of people who have to sleep in their cars. Might I say that lots of people live outside on the streets and in the woods—and yet, we go camping. 

Take a nap in the car. Stay in your driveway and take a nap in the car. Drive around the neighborhood until your kids fall asleep and then pull into the driveway and stay there napping. 

Wanna escape your kids? You and your partner can go hang out in the car. Do what you want in there. Personally, if I were you, I’d take a nap. 

Watch Geysers Erupt:
Remind yourselves that the world is bigger and more majestic than a virus. View some live streams of our national parks. Many are “technically” closed right now, but you can’t really shut down nature. Visit Yellowstone. Watch pandas. Go to a volcano. Spend time at Monterey Bay Aquarium and check out their Jelly Cam. Pick a new majestic adventure everyday.

Bury a Time Capsule:
I have a love/hate thing with time capsules. I love the idea of burying meaningful things that might give a future generation a hint into what life was like for us. But I’d rather discover a time capsule. Could you imagine finding a time capsule buried by Harriet Tubman? The oldest time capsule ever found in our country was by a plumber. While working on a leak he found a brass box that had been buried by Samuel Adams and Paul Revere. I don’t know if your time capsule will make history or not. But it’s nice to think that it could. 

Make a Map of Your Neighborhood:
Create a collaborative map of your neighborhood. Only include the things that you use and love and are part of your routine. Do it from memory. In fact, have everyone do their own personal map of your neighborhood and then come together and discuss your creations before combining all of them into one big map. Be sure to include things like friend’s homes and favorite trees or houses you admire. Include places where significant things happened in your family, like where your kid finally learned to ride a bike, or where the longest stoplight is. 

Blow Bubbles:
Another messy one. But fun. Blow some bubbles at the dinner table or during a movie like Finding Nemo every time that one fish goes ballistic over bubbles. 

Spit Watermelon Seeds:
Have a seed-spitting contest in the house. Be truly outlandish and let them eat watermelon during bath time and spit the seeds from the bathtub.

Go Owling:
Did you know that owls don’t migrate? I didn’t know that. Since it’s harder to move around during the day and avoid people when you have kids, try doing an evening or after-dark activity. Find out what owls are in your area and set to tracking them. Make it a quest. Have a prize when you do locate one. 

Watch the Sunset:
Set your clock for when the sun will set. Gather your people (get in the car if you have to and travel a bit) and watch the sunset in silence. They can bring a book or headphones. The goal is a bit of solace and quiet for you.

Go on a Full Moon Hike:
Again, it’s easier to move around with kids after hours. The next full moon is April 7, 2020. Go on a hike beneath her. Of course, you won’t wanna wake the lil’ ones but if your partner can stay home with them, take the older ones out on an adventure. 

Play Flashlight Tag:
Turn out all the lights in your house and play flashlight tag. You be it!

Start a Root Cellar/Shop for Seeds:
I have a romantic notion about having a root cellar. It’s a little hard in Texas because we don’t have basements. But apparently, you don’t need a basement. However, you’ll need the produce of a well-maintained garden. Shop for seeds and plan a garden with your family.

Make Candles: 
I love a candlelit movie night. Something about candles calms savage little beasts (teenagers). The glow of candles transfixes the moody grumbles and woes of the world, and lifts angst (ahem… teenagers). I think candles in jars are an easy way to have the whole family involved and Spruce Crafts has a simple recipe.

Hug a Tree:
I raised a little girl who literally needed to hug every tree we passed on the way to school. I should say that although I raised her, I didn’t make her this way. I was a single mom with a job and things to do. I didn’t have time to hug trees or to save all the worms after a particularly hard rain. So, I had to learn to slow down to her pace. We had to leave the house at least 30 minutes early to make it to school on time, even though the school was less than a ten minute walk in our neighborhood. In all the mass hysteria, don’t forget to notice what still remains and what hasn’t withered or fallen. Hug some trees. Go outside and grab nature, for real, and squeeze it. Let the tree remind you that we are whole even when everything is fractured. 

Set Up a Neighborhood Library:
Let’s involve the neighbors. Connect with your neighbors via text or a community page or by email. Suggest a neighborhood library. Set up books on your porch that people can borrow for two weeks. Create library cards and a system for tracking. Also assign times that families can “go” to the library so that you can continue practicing social distancing. Come up with rules for keeping everyone safe such as no knocking on doors. No open doors. All books up for checkout should be wiped down. Everyone has to wash their hands before coming to the library and returning home.

Host a Poetry Reading, or a Talent Show:
Get your kids playdate friends and neighbors and family members to participate in a virtual talent show or poetry reading. Record the acts and upload them to your private Facebook page just for the occasion.

Host an Olympic Games:
This one is straight from The Office (American version). Host an olympic games—but not with actual sports. Make it fun. Instead of a long jump event have a bed-making competition. Have folks compete in sock-skating, handstands, splits etc… You know your crew. Come up with some outlandish but fun Olympic events, then make medals for the winners.

Sit by Candlelight and Tell Stories:
Light all the candles and then tell stories by candlelight. Tell about the first time you saw your partner, or your first day at college. Or tell your most embarrassing PG-rated date stories. But tell it as a story. Don’t be just matter-of-fact about it—be a master of storytelling. 

Build an Epic House of Cards:
Again, this is straight from the TV show The Office. Get all the cards in the house (make sure they’re all the same size) and start building the Empire State of cards. 

Open the Windows:
Get fresh air and open all the windows. Open every single window. Don’t forget to close them at bedtime. 

Record a “Podcast”:
Who knows the world of podcasting better than NPR? They have a guide to help students begin to podcast. I know it sounds completely overwhelming because it is completely overwhelming. But maybe having something big to think about is a good thing right now. Keep in mind a podcast episode can be only 10 minutes long. You don’t need to do an hour long interview. Maybe your kids can review books, or movies or toys. Maybe they can podcast about a moment in history that really has captured their attention. Maybe they can make up a story about finding a Sasquatch in the backyard and call up friends who have witnessed similar sightings. They can do a cooking show on all the different ways to make Mac n’ Cheese or PB&J. The sky really is the limit!

Have a Prom:
Here’s one that speaks to my romantic heart. By romance, I don’t mean passionate love but the a fondness for the lovelier things of life. Host a prom. Get everyone to dress up. Create a playlist. Teach your sons and daughters how to be great dates. Have them make corsages out of crepe paper. Teach them to waltz. Oh, and most importantly, come up with a theme for your prom and make a bowl of punch. 

Throw a Three-Minute Temper Tantrum:
It’s exactly as it sounds. For three minutes everyone gets to throw a temper tantrum. Cautionary note: they have to take responsibility for anything that goes down (or gets broken) during their tantrum. So if they want to throw all their clothes out of the window, they’ll have to go retrieve them and wash them and put them away. Come to think of it, maybe make it a rule not to throw things out of the window. 

Write a Letter to Someone Unexpected:
Write a letter to your mail carrier. Leave a note for the delivery guy. Send a letter off to someone in congress. Write a letter to your favorite Sesame Street character. Of course, you can also send a letter to the grandparents and aunts and uncles. But write a letter to the animals at your local zoo, too. Send off an ode to the author of your favorite books. Write a letter to Netflix. Watch a TedTalk and write a letter to a presenter who impressed you. Write an actual letter on paper with ink. Get an envelope and a stamp. Mail it. Who knows? Maybe something extraordinary will happen and they’ll reply. 

Publish an Anthology:
Make an anthology of family favorites or creations. Have everyone pick their favorite short stories or children’s rhymes or poems. Think of a title and also a name for your publishing group. Print a copy. Keep it with all your other books and read from it sometimes. 

Strangers in the Dark:
Tell your kids that sometimes when things go dark in the world, we feel we’re all alone, and that it can be super scary. Then have everyone find a corner of the house to stand in. Go around and turn out all the lights. Tell everyone that when you say “go” everyone needs to start to feel their way in the dark to the center of the kitchen where you’ll find one another—even in the dark! You see? Though it was dark, you were never alone.

Create a Family Soundtrack:
We have play list called Family Soundtrack that I play whenever we have guests for dinner. It literally has every song that we love on it. It’s about 3 hours long. It has everything from Al Green to The Strokes to Tom Petty. There’s also Fats Waller and Louis Jordan, the Beatles and Beyoncé. It makes no sense—kind of like our family—and I love it. 

Plan a Family Reunion:
Well, eventually, we’ll be free to move about the country again. Plan a family reunion for when that time comes. Honor all your elders. Maybe have them answer some questions about their lives and include it on the website that you should definitely create. You can create beautiful websites with Wix (PS, I don’t get a cent for mentioning them—I am completely ad free). Put traditions and nicknames and recipes on the site. Send out a gorgeous invite via email to family members. By the way, make the reunion easy peasy—go potluck. 

Balloon Tennis or Badminton or Ping Pong:
Blow up a balloon and get out your tennis rackets or badminton rackets or ping pong paddles. Play the most ridiculous game of any of the above (this could be one of your Olympic events).

Have a Home Makeover:
This one might be a bit challenging for folks who are like me and like things a certain way. But what if there were some good ideas that you’re missing? For example, maybe that stack of books would look better on top of the dining room table vs the living room table. Or maybe that plant would do better in that corner and make the room more cheerful. Let every household member weigh in. Could that old bookcase make a great toy hutch? I don’t know. Maybe. Swap the artwork on the walls. Or put some artwork on the walls. Start with something simple like rearranging the bookcase. Swap out throw pillows. Sometimes a small change can make a major difference. But the important thing is to let all the family members weigh in and help. Move your kid’s bed to the other side of the room if they’d like that. Get rid of something they hate. More than likely, whatever you change can always be flipped back if you don’t like it. 

Host a Midnight Feast:
Okay, first of all, this is a British thing—I think. Or at the very least, it’s something that my English husband introduced to our family: The Midnight Feast. It’s exactly what you think. Set the alarm for midnight. Everyone wakes us and heads to the kitchen for a feast—maybe it’s ice cream sundaes, or freshly baked cookies (have the cookie dough already prepared on sheets and ready to go), maybe it’s popcorn or those stovetop, toasted s’mores I already mentioned. 

Put on a Play:
Put on your own stage production. If you have a lot of kiddos, give them roles: Director, Costumer, Lighting, Playwright, Set Designer…

Your kids can take a book that they love and turn it into a play if they don’t want to write an original. They can tell a modern version of a classic—like Goldilocks and the Three Bears Live from Manhattan. Be sure to film it so you can all watch it later or send it to family. 

Play On The Day You Were Born:
This is an easy game that everyone can play. Draw names from a hat. Each person looks up the following on the birthdate of the person’s name they drew: Popular TV Show; Number One Movie in the  Country; Most Popular Music Video; Top Cartoon; Front Page Newspaper Headline. Present your answers over dinner or at the Midnight Feast! 

Take a House Tour:
Let your kids give you a tour of your home. I promise you’ll be surprised at what they find relevant and essential. Their selling points will truly surprise you. Let each kid have a turn. 

Have a Film Festival:
Pick a theme and have film festival. You get to pick all the movies, parent! Will you show 70s movies? Historical biographical movies? Oh my gosh—I hope not! Why not pick a theme like : Movies Set in Your State; Movies about 10 year olds; Dog movies; Horse movies; Animé; Movies that Feature a Scene with Characters Watching a Movie… The cool thing about film festivals is that you can buy a ticket and attend only the movies that you want to see. Have a scheduled time that different films are showing. Let kids decide which films they will see. 

Go “Caroling”:
Challenge your friends to go FaceTime caroling. Everyone has to agree to pay a song forward, kinda like a chain letter but with singing. 

Choose crowd pleasers like…
Sweet Caroline
This Is the Song That Doesn’t End
Father Abraham
I Will Survive 
Take Me Out to the Ballgame
Hey Jude
Don’t Stop Believin’
You Are My Sunshine
We Will Rock You 
Let It Go
This Little Light Of Mine
If You’re Happy and You Know It
She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain

Use props!! Choreograph some moves! Most of all, have fun with it.

Host a Window Painting Art Show: 
Ever wonder why we open advent windows? Well, in Switzerland, kids actually paint advent windows. Each home in the neighborhood represents a different day of advent and reveals their window on their particular day. How cool is that? What if you emailed some neighbors and had kids paint windows scenes? Each home could have a different day to reveal their window. Choose a theme for everyone like “Spring!”  

Serve a 7-Course Menu:
Plan a seven course meal. Yep, seven courses—and of course your kids can handle it. Here’s how: break up your main course and side dishes into courses. First Course, salad or carrot sticks; Second course, bread; Third Course, meat/protein; Fourth Course, a pallet cleanser like a jello square or a tiny scoop of crushed ice or sorbet; Fifth Course, potato, rice or grain; Sixth Course, a vegetable; Seventh Course, dessert.

With every course present a new conversation starter question. 

Sit on Your Porch:
I’m perplexed at the fabulous front porches that I see in beautiful neighborhoods that no one ever, ever sits on. While I was growing up, sitting on the porch was so common. After dinner, everyone just went and sat on their porches. You talked to neighbors from across the road or while they passed by walking their kids or pets. We were six feet apart without even trying.  So, sit on your porch. If you’re lucky, you might be able to see some fireflies after dusk. Take a deep breath and notice things you never took the time to notice before.